Those times

1. In Memoriam
Those times you spoke about, those times, those times, in Canada wasn’t it, though Gloria says Australia, where the wind was cold, so cold, so cold the news, you shivered into breakdown panic, breakdown, panic, into the rest of your life this process, destructive, fear born of family history, family, overwhelming, grand mothers, frightening over the whelmed, sensitive male child, innocent, believing original sin so truly, truly, deeply fear of fear, rejecting religion, rejected acceptance, fear of acceptance, the end, beginning end.

You cried, you told me crying in that place, that place where snooker room, the piano others wouldn't let me play, those lying on the grass outside, not crazy mis understood, artistic, fantastic that park, visit with mother, in comprehending under standing, how could I, you didn’t want me, want me, want me to know – it might affect my studies, no fear, ok, instead of which, disinformation affected life, this planting, self-confirming, expectating disappointment a sick parent never to be contradicted questioned, a parent lost somewhere, the land before my birth.

Before my birth, the photos tell the tale of sense, sensitive, beautiful person, man my mother married, man my sister found in the end, the beginning of the end, the man of earliest memories in mythic Wales, where rain feeds fire, where boathouse takes on fame, where sands of Pendine grow special non-speed-record meaning, where Burton climbs Fern Hill in ancient moonlight.

What was it turned against, yourself, the world, the family fear of institutions, people, tax and forms, how need to delve each pinhead, corner, aspect, nano-feature, search for things to fear, to rail at psychic, an exceptional soul turned paranoid, approachable some say, some say a victim of your time, your generation first, that awful atom first of firsts, Hiroshima, an agent of this pre-pre-emptive business war, destruction working on those very deterrents that tore your mind incapable, unable to leave for southern cross, tied to forms signed sealed your tongue from family, friends.

How not to rebel in comprehension, how to feel the love we offered to withdraw, a mother’s protection, volatile seasons, how, how to learn to love myself and contradict my eyes, my ears, my each and every day, how, how to relate, how?

Efforts apologised, sincere, repulsed, squashed, love retreated to the furthest place, wound down intense wound deep granite, immense pressure, suffocate suppressed, frozen lack of pain though thawing, glacier, reappear, renewed, stifling the artic flower, upstart offer, love.

Till mother took her final leave, and by yourself no-one there for misdirected strategies, of fear and threatened fearing, threats of inattention, none, yet none monopolised imposed rejection, dependence, on whom, on whom demanding sickness, through sickness deeper, deeper
need, those doctors, sickness easily falling, falling  foul old tricks, to send you where
we never could, warm, caring place, with nurses to look after you, warm
comfortable room, exquisite setting, close to nature, close, close to
your daughter’s family, Indian summer, new relations,
coming, going, being cared for,

old strategies renewed, reworked, OK now to complain as of old,
demand, with bonus visits sister grand daughters, in love.

2. In Quiet Am
That time for me, when seeing you, seeing the flesh opening too, the unconditional man before me, young, the man those early, pre-atomic days, those days, the man not yet destroyed, the man before me, quiet, unmoved, old spirit leaping forth to hug, so unexpected, yes, you there at lastwithout, those leavings, body unreacting, not to react I look, looking at you without need, no need to form timed subautonomus response inevitable authoritative, outraged reply, such feeling, deep and long, you hadn’t been, you hadn't, not for ages, rock of granite cased those fears still writhing expectations, fear of disappointment, known to be unfounded.

And as I watched you motionless, watching, you let me be there, and I grew,
your space, not needing, justifying, your flesh, your lying there, inert,
inert your spirit, strange outburst subsided,
greetings, young father.

3. A Journey
We took your soul that day, past dear, emotioned landmarked places, happy dreams, evoking memoried scenes, well-born, now traveling to the coast, through mid lands crying, driving tears to flat, sped speed-trial sands, lone boathouse, one you saw, you say, who told you gently not to go, but raging, playing your songs, through wild summer landscape, tears, tears of fifty years.

4. Returning
Those times, those times, so long, so long, so long ago, when pain and fear, words so isomorphous, surely not, howcanyousaythat, watchyourtonguemylad, of different name that meaning somewhere, maybe homely, etched on secret soul

but look it's time to be open about this you know how your mother and me, well we had to you know I can't tell you look here now and don't you look at me like that, I'll show you what I think of you you see it was hard those times, you grandfather well I don't want to don't you ever say that word again no son of mine I knew it would come to this

so proud, such happy, shining eyes, words cut deep silence, deeper

are you sure you shouldn't do this for me but isn't it a bit, think you should, no,

no, you're doing great, dad.

5. Home
Frail heart, bed, emaciated now, in suffering all these fearful moments, pain, heartrending gone, all gone, the silence only stays, the silence, the child, a child of times, those times, child of the father, cycling, once more, finding friends those ones who came to see you off well done you grew you opened doors to exile pain itself, banished into dissipation.

The point is now I mean to frankly speaking look hear boyo brass tacks after all it couldn't have happened, nicer person if you take my anyway I said it and would you believe and I've got to get this off my what did you say?

These things are here to get them out, to let them go,
you freed your love, dad, in everything I feel,
in dreams without form, in everything

in love.

July 2002 - March 29, 2003.